How to talk about cheating

What is cheating?

At its simplest, cheating is not obeying a set of rules, and then lying about it or keeping it secret. If there are no set expectations and agreements in the relationship, anything can be seen as cheating. 

Different types of cheating

When we think of cheating, we usually think of the physical act of cheating. Yet, an active online dating profile, texting and sexting, emotional involvement with another person, pushing the boundaries of flirting – all can be seen as cheating. Remember that cheating doesn’t have to involve physical contact.

Pay attention to behavior changes

Any sudden change in behavior should be a red flag. 

This does not mean that you go straight to accusing your partner of cheating. Notice what changed, how does it impact you and the relationship. Then, approach the conversation while at first giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. 

Cyber cheating is likely the easiest one to discover if there is a sudden change in access to the other person’s phone or other electronic devices. Again, a gentle start-up conversation, instead of an accusation and blame.

Conversation to establish boundaries 

Emotional affairs, watching porn, taking money from your partner’s wallet – all are different types of cheating. Whether they will be viewed as such in the relationship depends on the agreement and expectations between you and your partner.

In other words, you and your partner need to have a conversation about the boundaries that both of you want to set in your relationship. 

In essence, you want to define what cheating is. Are you ok with your partner texting a female friend at night? Is flirting ok? Is porn? How about financial cheating? If your partner takes a credit card from your wallet without telling you, will you be ok with that?

What these expectations and agreements include and how they define cheating will vary from couple to couple. 

Expectations need to be spoken out loud. I often see this in couple therapy, where one partner has very clear expectations, in their head. However, those expectations have never been shared with the other partner. 

That’s a communication issue that needs to be resolved before resentments set-in and disagreements abound. Potentially followed by a break-up.

And, it goes without saying that the agreement needs to be mutual, meaning both of the partners agree. If one of you doesn’t agree, then the two of you don’t have an agreement. You’re both back at the negotiating table.

How to deal with cheating

I’m not sure that there is a best way to deal with cheating. The way you address it depends on what it involves. 

How extensive was the cheating? For how long did it happen? Is it still happening? How does it affect you and your relationship? 

For example, your partner taking out a credit card from your wallet may not be a big deal to you. But, flirting with other women may be. These examples show the need for two different conversations the two of you would need to have.

If you find out that cheating occurred, first and foremost take care of yourself. 

Recognize that it’s not your fault, that it will suck for a while, and that you will get through it. 

Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up. Don’t make any rush decisions that you may later regret.